On July 3rd, 1979, exactly 33 years ago my life was at a turning point like today, on July 3rd, 2012, when I open this blog.
33 years ago in the New Year’s Eve I had a stroke in brain and after a week in coma I found myself in hospital totally paralysed and unable to speak. After a half year hospital treatment I got a place in rehabilitation centre. Cold winter and the Christmas Star blossoming on the windowsill in the patient room of the hospital were changed over to verdant park view. I sat in wheelchair and was still unable to speak. As I thought about my future I coudn’t see anything. As I thought about myself it raised a question within me: “Who am I?”
I have believed that past decades have already shown me who I am. But when I sit beside my desk now and think about my future I feel that I am groping for a new rehabilitation passage and a question raises in my mind: “Who am I?”
The question does not contain anxiety like 33 ago as I was less than twenty years old and without broader perspective on life. It rather raises out of pure curiosity. It also contains a question: “Who do I want to be?”
The answer is important, because it determines who I will become. In other words: how will I begin to fulfill myself. I have already achieved more than I considered possible with my supplies and I am grateful for everything, but I feel that I have got stuck with my life. I am locked into my practices. Or rather, I have shackled myself to something that keeps me from experiencing life in all its fullness as I would like to. Past experiences seem to be irrelevant. I feel that I have to make a quantum jump, enormous leap in order to create a fulfilling future.
Over 30 years ago I began to write a book of my experiences with the initial name Glow in the Darkness. Writing was therapy for me, but my initial purpose was to share my experience with others. Now when I am starting a new life passage I continue my writings in this blog under the same name as my old writings.
I have always tried to see everything as objective as possible and I have analysed my thoughts on theoretical level without mixing too much emotions in them. Because of that I have viewed also myself from outsiders point of view. I am somewhat stranger also to myself. From now on I want to look inside, become familiar with my emotions: Let feelings tell me, what I think and want. Let them give wings to thoughts and help me and others get rid of deadlocked way of thinking and create positive energy.
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