In my text Foretaste of Forthcoming I write that I found a sustainable ground for my life over 30 years ago in the lyrics of an ancient oriental hymn. I am glad that I can stand tall now and say: this is how it happened. But as everything was happening to me I did not have a clue what was happening. I didn’t even know what I was thinking. Everything happened in my subconscious mind, but it brought my head in total chaos. I only knew that I was feeling very bad.
I have not got religious upbringing and I was totally alone with my thoughts. My parents had died almost ten years before that and I didn’t have any person to talk about my discoveries.
In the Secret-movie of Rhonda Byrne there was a story, which deeply impressed me: John Assaraf tells a story that in 1995 he began to create vision boards, on which he collected pictures of things and goals he wanted to achieve and he assimilated them in his mind as part of his experience. Two years he meditated every day at his vision boards and believed that his thoughts would attract into his life the things he wanted.
He moved three times in the next five years. After five years he bought a house and his old furniture and things were brought into his new home from a warehouse where they had been untouched for five years. As he picked up his vision boards he was totally amazed that one of his vision boards had a picture of the house he had just bought.
After I watched the Secret movie about the Law of Attraction I found myself habitually meditating on the process of this story. My mind had begun to interpret the texts I wrote in 1980s after I became disabled and adapted them in the story. On some level I must have been fully aware of everything that happened to me 33 years ago, because my writings tried to tell about my discoveries, although I didn’t understand them at that time. I just had the feeling that it is pointless to build anything based on the values of this world.
I begun to understand what had happened to me:
The Universe simply replied my thoughts and delivered in the lyrics of the hymn a sustainable ground for my life!
The physical disability itself was a shocking change, but at least as shocking was my experience of being disgraced by those close to me who I had considered my friends: they saw me as an arrogant, contemptuous embodiment of vanity. My illness was exactly what I deserved.
I asked myself, how was it possible that I had given completely false signals about myself into my surroundings before. Regardless of what I thought about myself I had given my friends a picture of myself as an arrogant, vainglorious asshole, who looked down on other people.
That picture was as true as how I saw myself, because my friends believed what they saw and felt. It was their reality. It was insignificant what was the motivation of my friends to be rude to me. The signals I myself had sent into the world had made them feel bad.
So, my illness just hit the spot. My friends turned my thoughts to this direction, but there was another thing that first made me think that my physical handicap could serve me:
Questionable compliments that the opposite sex had whistled and shouted after me ever since I was 13 stopped at once.
I felt that I was more than a genital organ and I was able to fully focus on things that I considered meaningful.
My physical handicap didn’t change me in any way as a human being. It could make it difficult for me to find a partner, but I thought that if someone loved me as a person, let me develop on my own conditions and whose goals I could share everything would be possible for us.
And I didn’t want anything but pure love.
So, my physical handicap was a perfect role costume for me in this play we are living.